Written by Nida Mubaraki
I’m baking the bread you made me
in the days I didn't know apologies.
The bananas aren’t ripe enough and
the chocolate chunks are too sweet,
but at least I can shovel buckets of batter
into
my
mouth
instead of being buried by your words.
All you
ever
think
about is
yourself. Yet you are the abnormality
under this kitchen light, and these curses
that you gave me are followed by the bread
that replaced all those remedial things.
You do not know the power of apology–
I'm
sorry
but you know the power of fresh
baked goods and sullen sobs–
don’t you?
All you
ever think
about
is the touch of your hand pulling
on my hair
and my mind
and then pushing
me forward, the meaning of consent
never circulating your cerebrum.
Motherhood is
murder,
is violent,
is pushing me off of a cliff,
sending me into a sea of pies and pastries
and pudding and parfait.
A parfait of your misguidance and disgust
and disappointment,
the granola grueling me to my core when
you tell me that
All you
ever think about
is
getting fat off of your fake promises and
full-sugar food.
Banana bread is filling
up my cup
instead of tears and whispered apologies.
The sweet thick loaf and vanilla haze
intoxicates my raw fingertips till I’m bare,
no more tears dripping and
no
more
stomach
room for
seconds.
The oven dings. Mellow cinnamon wafts
through your bitter tone while you are
wailing a whisper that
all
you
ever
think
about
is
yourself.
Banana bread is not an apology and being
sad is not the same as being selfish.
Banana bread batter is beckoning me to
beat myself over and over.
Banana bread is bloating my breasts and
broadening my belly to the brim of its
maximum.
Banana bread babied me when you did
not.
Banana bread is moist, sweet, cake-like &
quick, just like the girl I’ve grown up to be.
She
smells
like
you.
.
Nida Mubaraki is a New Jersey- and Philadelphia-based writer. She studies creative writing at Bryn Mawr and has work in/forthcoming in Maudlin House, Bullshit Lit, Fish Barrel Review, and HaluHalo Journal, amongst others. She works as the senior editor, Twitter head, and a contributor for The Empty Inkwell Review. Email her at nidamubaraki@gmail.com or find her on Twitter: @pennedbynida.