Written by Karen Grose
In the stillness of the bathroom, my pulse pounds in my ears.
I hold my breath to focus yet
my hands are sweaty,
making it hard to take care of business.
Afterward, I double check the lock on the door.
Soft snores float along the hallway from
bedrooms on the other side.
Sweet dreams for my family, blissfully unaware,
the next 180 seconds will determine my future.
Back to the grain of the wood, I clench
the plastic stick, willing only one pink line to show.
My chest is tender, pain shoots like daggers.
I stumble past the sink, ignore my reflection.
Dropping to the faded gray mat, I press my forehead against the tub.
120 seconds.
Nothing to do but
wait, wait, wait.
My stomach sours, envisioning the result—
shock on my parent’s faces, their shame,
the angst of having to tell Jack who’s now dating Olivia,
judgement from the man nailed to the T hanging on the living room wall
who I’m not sure I believe in anymore.
I swear I will believe if he grants me this one wish.
It’s me, seventeen and careless.
First kiss,
first love.
Giving it all away one time for a promise of forever,
then dumped like garbage.
Stupid, stupid then,
but now, not too proud to beg.
I vow to finish my homework,
cut the grass,
shovel snow,
never drink or vape,
be kinder to my siblings
who still climb trees
and are learning to swim
and don’t yet need to become uncles and aunts.
Whatever light is out there, are you listening?
60 seconds.
If two lines appear, what am I supposed to do?
Hide it?
Run away?
Visit the clinic?
Gran and Pop would roll over in their graves.
Curled up on the cold tile, I can’t handle
making any decisions right now.
I can’t deal.
This was not supposed to happen, but nothing is ever simple, is it?
Fighting back tears, I drag myself up.
5 seconds.
My hand is shaking as I sit crossed legged on the tattered mat.
Swallowing hard, I hold the stick steady,
Deep breath in, a quick look.
One pink line.
Exhale.
Sweet relief.
.
Karen Grose is from Toronto, Canada. Her debut novel, The Dime Box, was selected by Amnesty International for its 2021 Book Club. Her second, Flat Out Lies, will be released July 2024. She has published poems, fiction, flash, and CNF by Roi Faineant Press, Paddler Press, and Punk Noir Magazine. Track her down on X: @kgrose2 or at www.karengrose.ca